"Hi, Dad. How are you feeling today?"
My daughter Marian on the phone again. I suppose I should
be grateful for her regular calls. At least they're
easier to handle than the increasing number of visits
that she makes these days.
Don't get me wrong. I love her dearly, and if there's one
thing that I think I managed to get right in this life,
it's the relationship; the bond, that I have with her and
my grandchildren.
"Oh, a lot better today. The painkillers seem to have
kicked in now, and I'm able to potter about making a cup
of tea and something to eat."
That's a lie! The cocktail of pills that I have to
swallow every couple of hours or so, do blunt the edge of
the pain. What I won't tell her is that the pain is still
there. At least it's manageable, at this stage
anyway.
"If you like, I'll drop in after I pick up Evie from the
school. Be just after three."
"Aye, that's fine, pet. I like seein' the bairn."
"Right, we'll see you then. Bye!"
"Bye, pet."
There are all the precious moments with the kids, that I
want to keep for as long as possible, but, no matter how
much I want to hang on, I will have to let them go.
Not as if I have the choice, do I?
Six months they said. Keep taking the tablets, and I
could have as long as six months. It could have been ten
months to a year maybe, if I had taken the chemotherapy.
Bugger that! I've seen what that does. I don't want to
end up looking like Gollum.
I'm hanging on, but I know it's really a process of
letting go!
It's the things that have let go of me over the last few
years. My eyesight's getting worse. My teeth have all but
disappeared and the chances of me ever running for a bus
again are rock-bottom zero.
My independence, my individuality, my freedom of choice,
are under siege.
"Auld age disnae come itsel." they say. I'll vouch for
that!
I'm becoming the focus of attention as I slowly fall
apart. I was never what you would call a 'proud person',
but I'd much rather avoid the scenario where they're all
sitting around my bed, trying to be dutiful and brave,
waiting for me to shuffle off to Buffalo. My illness
shouldn't be allowed to grind them down.
No! While the choice is still mine I'll pick a day that
suits me. If the sun is shining and the birds are
singing, that would be a bonus.
"Do not exceed the stated dose!"
It's got that on all these packets of pills. The wee note
also says ...
"Do not consume alcohol when taking these."
Well, I've been a little short of achieving the stated
dose this last month. Quite a little pile I've put aside
for a sunny day. There's a fine litre of Bacardi sitting
waiting for me as well.
Original story © Angus Sloan 2015
Layout, editing and additional material © Dave Sloan 2016
'tachras' and 'Winding Yarn' © Dave Sloan 2005, 2012, 2016