A mention of the 'Skale' last week, set me thinking. I shouldn't do that, ye know - thinking thoughts only leads to trouble. But I thought these thoughts about when I was a wee lad at 'skale'.
And then, I remembered (another thing I shouldn't do) a teacher. She probably wisn't that different from a lot of other teachers, but I bet that many of you can relate to her.
So, before we do the A to Z thing (K this week), I decided that I would share these thoughts with you.


The Teacher

Mrs Cameron wiz a teacher, wan eh the auld school, believed in order an discipline, followed her golden rule... A teacher teaches teachin things, educates the masses, learnin's sumthin weans dae, success wis based oan passes.

Mrs Cameron couldnae tolerate, the ignorant or the slow, the wans that widnae talk right, that resisted gaun wae the flow. The wans that came fae parents, that struggled in the mill, the scruffy and the defiant, us kids o the Garngadhill.

Mrs Cameron had a training aid, tae instill the necessary knowledge, she used it liberally every day, it kept us aw oan edge. For the leather belt she proudly displayed, filled her wae such power, weans trembled when thae goat things wrang, an gret tae the pain wis ower.

Mrs Cameron liked total silence, when writin oan the board, when we whispered tae each other, she'd pick up every word. 'Talking in class is forbidden', she'd make her annoyance felt, an we'd be trooped oot tae the front of the class, tae face that bliddy belt.

Mrs Cameron would pass oot a dreaded book, ah still remember it's cover, entitled 'Mental Arithmetic' it wis pink, came wae a sheet of paper. 'You have twenty minutes' she wid say, 'to answer page eleven, No workings, rubbers or pencil marks' - that wis another forbidden.

Mrs Cameron wid strut her stuff as we tried tae work it oot, three men , a wa', a hundred bricks, a day, a week... aw shoot! Ah never could've done it, and that wis bad enough, but when she found ah'd used a rubber - ah wiz beltit - it wis tough!

Mrs Cameron didnae staun disorder, always liked things right, wan day a wasp flew intae the room, a wee lassie screamed in fright. She wiz taken oot an beltit, it wis worse than any sting, we lads decidit ther an then, we'd pit an end tae this thing.

Mrs Cameron huntit high an low, the next moarnin when she kim in, we'd stole her belt an planked it, widnae tell her wher it wis hiddin. She shoutit, threatened an banged her desk, her face a fearful glower, but she eventually began tae realise, she'd loast the source eh her power!

Mrs Cameron sat wae her heid in her hauns, sobbin till they came, an led her oot the classroom never tae be seen again. A teacher teaches teachin things, educates the masses, but learnin's sumthin wae aw dae... it disnae need thae classes.

BTW: From Mrs Cameron I did learn how to control fear, hide pain and, ultimately, fight back. Reading? Nah! I learned that fae mah Mammy!


The Patter : Let's dae K

dirt, excrement, nonsense
The 'ch' proncounced as in the scottish 'loch'.
"Mah dug wiz rollin aboot in the gerden an kim in covered in keech." "My dog was rolling about in the garden, then came in covered in pooh."
"The two auld wimmin wir chatterin away, talkin a load a keech they wir!" "The two old ladies were chattering away, talking a load of nonsense."

to peek, peer into
"Ah keeked oot the windae an ther they wir, the same two auld wimmin still slappin thir gums agither." "I looked out of the window, and there they were. The same two old ladies, still talking away."

black eye

term of endearment (or insult) to one of Glaswegian persuasion
"Oh gawd! Wiv goat a right per a glesca keelie's here." "Oh goodness. These two people are typical Glaswegians."

keepie up
keeping a football in the air by bouncing it on your head
(Never quite understood the the attraction of that!)

Considered the 'posh' part of Glasgow, on west side.
Kelvinsiders are said to have a particular accent known as a 'Kelvinside accent'. In truth however, the Kelvinside accent is a 'put on' accent affected by pretentious folk trying to give the impression that they are better off and better educated than others (you may have come across such people).
It comes over false, it is false, and it can be hilarious.
On the phone; (in a very posh accent)
"Hello, is thet the coalman?"
"Aye, madam."
"Could you please deliver six [6] secks [sacks] of coal at my home."
"Sorry madam?"
"Six secks I said. I want six secks at my home Are you deaf man?"
"Sorry madam ah dont think ah kin dae that. The boss widnae allow it, never mind the wife!"
"What are you talking about, you are a coalman are you not?"
"Ye ah am that, an ah know a get a bit dirty, but thers limits ye know."

"The lifts wir aff an ah hid tae climb the sters. It nearly kilt meh!" "The lifts were out of order, and I had to climb the stairs. I nearly expired with the effort!"

"Ah kin come back eh moarra." "I can return tomorrow."

kind of
"Whin a goat hame last night ah felt kinna sick, must've hid a bad pint." "When I came home last night, I felt kind of nauseous. I must have had a bad pint of beer."

tired, broken
"Ah goat in late last night, ahm knacked." "I came home late last night. I am very tired."
"Ah cannae go cos mah caur's knacked." "I am unable to travel. My car has broken down."

to laugh uncontrollably
"Ye know, ah wiz in a knot! Laugh! Laugh! Ah laughed so much a nearly bought some credits frae the Scotland's People website!" "I was so overcome with laughter, I almost inadvertantly bought some credits from the Scotland's People website!"

Back amoara

Welcome back all. Hope yeez aw survived the yuletide festivities in wan piece. Ah've goat a heid lik a sterrheid!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Glesca Patter 13

Welcome tae the trench! Wir aw in here ye know! Heids doon, tin hats oan, aw hunkerin doon, hidin fae the wrath eh the blob an the 'powers that be'. Evry noo an then sumbiddy chucks a wee grenade oot jist tae see if thers a reaction an tae show wur still here. But maistly evrybiddy's behavin thirsels. Wae need tae behave wirsels. It's a bit like thoan Londoners durin the blitz. Aw crowded intae the undergrun an singing war songs innat. Sept were aw in a trench an wae dont know the wurds tae the songs. Maybe Vera Lynn could help us oot. Anybiddy know if Vera's usin the SP site? Surely she must hiv Scottish rellies. It be great if she could gie us a wee tune tae raise oor spirits. Belt it oot Vera 'Thell be blueburds ower the...' If yer listenin Vera we need ye here!
Ach well! Ah'll hiv anither wee roll up, wriggle mah taes in the squwelchy mud, write another bit eh the Patter - it's 'L' this week (appropriately enough) - an then all see if a kin catch a rat ur sumthin fur mah tea. Welcome tae the trench!


The Patter : Then the L

to belt it out, to sing at the top of your voice
"At's eh gemme Vera belt it oot. Oan yirsel hen! Gie it laldy!" "That's right, Vera. Sing your heart out. Here's to you. Give it all you've got!"
or it can mean giving someone a tongue lashing
"The mince wiz past it's sell by date so mah Maw went intae the butcher an gied em laldy!" "The mince was past its sell-by date, so mother complained vociferously to the butcher."

to thump someone
"Yes officer, but ah warned im if eh said that again ah'd lamp im. An guess whit? Dis eh no go an say it again! So a lampin took place." "Yes, Officer. I did warn him that I would react badly to any repeat of his remark. Unfortunately, he did repeat said remark. An assault took place."

street name one of the numerous cheap fortified wines (wine+ spirit) favoured by some. LD and 'The Bam's Dram' were others.
[I dont know if these are still available but they used to be popular among the 'winos' of the street. Before the 1970s there was a stigma surrounding wine drinking in Glasgow. I dont know if this was true of other cities but, in Glasgow, if you were working class and drunk wine you were considered one of the 'Lanny' crowd. Mind you, many were! But it was only in the 70s that drinking wine became 'acceptable' and moved away from the image of the old tramp, in the dirty long coat and worn out shoes, standing on a street corner slugging from his bottle of Lanny still wrapped in it's brown paper wrapper to hide the label.]

"Haw Mah! Thers nae lavvy paper in eh lavvy!" "Mother. The toilet paper has run out."
"Well ye should hiv checked before ye went!" "Well! You should have checked before you went!"
"Ah did an ah couldnae find any." "I did! I couldn't find any!"
"Well wir usin too much lavvy paper then. Wir gonnae hiv tae cut back!" "It would appear that paper consumption is excessive. Economy would be prudent."

lavvy diver

to 'lecture' to someone at great length
"The wife layed it aff tae meh last night aboot the drinkin an cummin in late innat." "Last night, my wife lectured me on the evils of drinking and tardiness."

Not to be confused with ...

layed aff
to have been made redundant
"Well, that's it hen. A've bin layed aff!" "My dear, I have been made redundant."
"Aw naw Wullie, whit ur wae gonnae dae?" "Oh no, William. What shall we do?"
"Ah'll jist need tae stert lookin fur anither joab." "I shall just have to find another job."

"Gonnae lee meh alane!" "Leave me alone!"

To take "a lenna" "a loan" someone, is to mislead or fool them.
"She telt meh she wid meet meh at seven ootside Boots. Bit she wis jist takin a lenna meh!" "She arranged a rendezvous outside Boots the Chemist, for seven o'clock. Alas, she was misleading me. She failed to turn up."

betting slip, credit slip, Medical Certificate
"Ahm gaun tae the bookies tae pit oan a line." "I am going to the Bookmakers to place a bet."
"The weans need claithes fur stertin back at school. A've goat a line fur 'Sterlins' so ahm takin em doon ther oan Seturday." "The children need clothes. I have a credit slip from 'Sterlings', so I will be taking them there on Saturday."
"Ah need a few days aff work so ahm gaun tae the doactir fur ah line." "I need a few days off work, so I will obtain a Medical Certificate from my doctor."
"Whit ur ye gonnae say's wrang wae ye?" "What ailment are you intending to claim."
"Ah'll jist tell im a've hurt mah back. That always works." "I will just say that I have hurt my back. That always works."

throb, hurt, sore, painful
"Ah wis oan the Lanny last night an noo mah heid's loupin." "I was drinking cheap wine last night. I have a hangover. My head hurts."
A busy place.
"The place wis loupin." "The place was very busy."

lucky bag
paper bag with sweets and small cheap plastic toy
"Wher did ye get that watch, oot a lucky bag?" "Where did you obtain that watch. From a 'Lucky Bag'?"

How many of you remember 'Lucky Bags'?
Do you remember what was in them?
Was it just a Glasgow/Scottish thing or did they have then in the rest of the UK/World?

a romantic date
In a young man's life the "lumber" "romantic date" was/is all important. To leave a disco, party, dance or whatever they're called these days, without a lumber was/is considered a sign of failure. It was/is vital to be seen to strike up a partnership with a young lady at a night out and escort her home. It's also a trial by fire! You see, the 'young ladies' know the score and make life extremely difficult for the young, would be, stud.
"Ah wis it the dance last night bit ah couldnae get a lumber." "I was at the dance last night, but I couldn't get a date."
"Wid ye believe it, mah pal goat lumbered by your wee brother!" "Would you believe it! My companion was picked up by your younger brother."
"Awright! Ah've goat a lumber an ahm oot a here!" "Hooray! I have a date ... and we are leaving!"

And with that, 'Ah'm oot a here' as well.

Take care, keep yir heid doon, stoap chuckin grenades, an ah hope tae talk tae ye nixt week. Wher's Vera?


See ya.

First posted on the SPDG 21 March 2004
Patter 14 saw the appearance of Jimmy and Reggie at the Registry Office. They recently made a guest re-appearance on Christmas Day. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Original postings on Scotlands People Discussion Group © 2003, 2004 Bob Wilson
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