This episode, attracted unfavourable reaction from one or two people, although the majority enjoyed it, and spoke in it's defence. It was censored and locked by the 'Scotlands People Discussion Group' Moderator.
(The 'SPDG' closed, shortly after the appearance of 'The *')
It is reprinted in it's original form (including asterisks), and I'll leave it to you, to decide.


Sheesh! Whit a week. From apostrophes tae Pie Floaters! Okay, without labouring the issue, looks like auld Moonwatcher was affected by the on-going eclipse. But like all eclipses, they only last a wee while and then things return to normal.

Judy - whit dae ye mean 'wee man'? How dae ye know ahm no 7 fit tall an built lik a brick dunny? An no heard a Terry Pratchet! Shame oan ye! 'Small Gods' is mah favrit! But fur mer insight intae the Patter (of sorts) - read 'The Wee Free Men'. (oops, a wee bit a advertisin ther!)

A couple of things to clear up;

Stew - yer right aboot a dreep. It's also used to describe a snotter and also in 'a dreepin tap' (faucet).' Well spotted.

Andy - How's yer fit? Don't listen tae Wullie, whit dis he know? Jist you keep a haud eh at big 'Griffith's Grimoire' eh yours.

In these weekly A-Zs, if I miss out one that you feel should be there, feel free to let me know, and I'll do my best to include it retrospectively. (That's a grand word, isn't it!)

Somebody mentioned, amidst the general melee during the week. about the 'Broons'. Good point! We'll have a wee look at Ma, Pa, and the gang at Glebe Street, next week.

Meantime, another little lesson in pronunciation. Words like "fair", "dare", "bear", "floor" and "rare", come out as "ferr" "fair", "derr" "dare", berr bear, "flerr", "floor" and "rerr" "rare"! Makes life much merr simpler, dinnit?

Right! Enough of this! Let's get on with the A to Z.


The Patter : No minny Es


Glasgow's shining example of dealing with the overpopulation and housing problems of the 1950s. They built this huge sprawling mass of modern tenements out in the middle of nowhere. No shops, schools or recreational facilites.
Thousands were moved out, like in the old western wagon trains (remember Ward Bond? Whitever happened tae him?), as the old east-end tenements were demolished behind them (or fell down of their own accord!).
It was a good idea but ill thought out. Other 'housing schemes' followed - all became modern day slums. Ah know, ah wiz ther!

person of little intelligence
"See im, eez a bliddy eejit!" "See this person. His ability to think rationally, is limited."

"The polis urr efter im." "The police wish him to assist them with their enquiries."


El Dee (LD)
A cheap wine once favoured by the street elite. Now largely overtaken by Buckfast Tonic Wine - (Made by monks at Buckfast Abbey - drank by "eejits" "idiots" in Gallowgate)

"Hiz emdy goat enough furr a boa'l ah LD urr Bucky?" "Has anybody got enough money to purchase a bottle of Eldorado or some Buckfast Tonic Wine?"
"Whit furr? Thers stull summy ah' Lanny left." "Why? There is still some Lanliq Fortified Wine remaining in this bottle."

"Is err emby in err?" "Is there anybody in there?"
"Naw!" "No!"
"Well whoos talkin' en?" "Well then, who is that talking?"
"Naebdy!" "Nobody!"


The Patter : Stacks eh Fs

"Ahm daein mah faimly tree." "I am researching my family tree"
"Whits a' en?" "What does that involve, then?"
"It's wher ye go back tae yer roots." "It is where you go back to your roots"
"Aw! Ye mean lik gerdnin an at?" "Ah! You mean, like, gardening and such?"

The Ferr
The Fair
Or more accurately - The Glesca Ferr. The annual holiday, usually the last two weeks in July. During the "Ferr Foartnight" "Glasgow Fair Fortnight" most of Glasgow would shut down and "Go doon the watter (as in batter)" "Go down the Clyde Estuary" ie. head for the seaside. On the Friday at the start of the holiday, "Ferr Friday" "The first Friday of the Glasgow Fair" , shops and works would close early and the pubs would fill up in the afternoon as guys offloaded their holiday pay. Drunkeness was considered a virtue. All of your Glasgow ancestors surely participated in the great "Glesca Ferrs" "Glasgow Fair Fortnights".

Wee Glesca wummin: "Wher urr ye gaun yer hoalidays Jessie?" "Where are you going for your holidays, Jessie?"
Another wee Glesca wummin: "Ach. Same iz evry year Be'y. Wir gaun doon eh watter tae Sollcoats. At's if we kin keep oor Jimmy oot eh pub ye know whit eez like. Wir plannin tae get eh train oan Ferr Friday." "Oh! The same as every year, Betty. We are going down the Clyde to Saltcoats. That is, if we can keep our James out of the pub. You know what he is like. We are planning to catch the train on Glasgow Fair Friday."
First Glesca wummin: "Aw yiv nae chance hen. Get Jimmy oot eh pub oan Ferr Friday? - ye migh' as well expect eh sun eh shine!" "Ah! The odds are completely against you, dear. Get James out of a pub on Glasgow Fair Friday? You might as well expect the sun to shine!" *

*It is a scientific fact that it always rains during the Glasgow Fair - particularly in Saltcoats. I know because I've been there as well!

"She wis in at' much eh a hurry that she goat urr knickers in a fankle." "She was in such a hurry. She managed to get her knickers in a twist."

Pal 1: "Ah'v goat a lumber wae Herry Merry oan Seturday night. Ah'm a bit feart." "I have a date with Hairy Mary on Saturday night. I am a little bit afraid."
Pal 2: "Herry Merry!! If ah wis you ah'd be bliddy terrified!" "Hairy Mary! If I were you, I would be absolutely terrified!"

"How's eh big filla?" "How is your husband?"
"Eez awright, how's yer wee filla?" "He is fine. How is your little boy?"
"No bad, the doactir wis oot at im at eh weekend." "Not bad. The doctor came to visit him at the weekend."
"Whit doactir wis it?" "Which doctor was that?"
"Aw, it wis eh coloured filla." "Oh, it was the coloured fellow."
"Aw, is at' eh wee filla wae eh Indian accent?" "Ah! Was it the little fellow with the Indian accent?"
"Aye, at's eh filla!" "Yes! That is the fellow!" *

* Note that, at no time, do names exchange hands.


to move house
A "flitting" "house removal" is a house removal. A "Moonlit Flittin" "A nightime house removal -technically illegal in Scotland" involves moving out of your house (usually a tenement flat) under cover of darkness. This is usually prompted by unpaid rent or the polis closing in. "Whit happ'nd tae the McGlumphas?" "What happened to the McGlumpha family?"
"Aw, they done a moonlit. Ther livin doon the road at number 43 noo!" "Oh! They conducted a house removal without informing the Council Rent Office or the Hire Purchase collectors. They now reside at number 43!"

a cunning or devious person
"See im? Eez a real flyman. Sells em dodgy didgy watches doon eh Barras!" "That man is a cunning person. He sells those new digital watches down at the Barrows!"

fiddly or a person who fiddles
Husband: "This is an awfy footry joab, ah hink ah'll get eh wife tae dae it." "This is an extremely fiddly task. I think that I will leave it to the wife."
Wife: "A heard at', ye lazy sod. Jist get oan wae the joab an stoap footrin!" "I heard that, you shiftless person. Just get on with the task and stop mucking about!"

Joke: "Cat walks intae a Wild West pub an walks up tae the bar." "A cat walks into a Wild West saloon, and strolls up to the bar."
Barman asks "Whit dae ye want?" "What do you want?"
Cat says "Ah've come furr mah Paw!" "If you really need this translated ..."
[ "The auld wans urr a'ways eh best!" "The old ones are always the best!"]

Okay, noo thers nae avoidin this wan. It separates the true students fae the hingers oan. Glesca Patter, in its purest form, at its most colourful, features this word profusely. During highly dynamic conversations, especially in a pub, where world matters are being put to right, every second word will be f***! So, you students of The Patter The Patter be aware of this if you are unused to the word and are planning a wee field trip into the Glesca environment. I suggest you practice it, so you can 'blend' in with the natives. It can be as hard for some to get the word out, as it can be for some to keep it in. But it is a powerful word and can be used to great effect - it might even save your life! One "F*** Aff!" Go forth, and multiply! can be worth all the pleading, excuses and explanations in the world. A Glaswegian, armed with the Patter is what's needed in the United Nations if you ask me! It's a versatile word and nobody can say it better than a Glaswegian! Not even a "Fifer!" "The Editor!" ( "an ats sayin' sumhin!" "... and that is saying something!")

See ye next week wi the Broons an Oor Wullie.
"Jings, crivens, help ma boab!" "Just read the next chapter ..."

After a self imposed exile following the SP debacle over some of the content of number 7, The Patter returned with this offering. References to squidgy blobs, padlocks and asterisks refer to the icons and censorship present at that time on the SPDG and not to the present TS site - I hope!

Glesca Patter 8

First posted on SPDG 8 February 2004


Glesca Patter 8

Ah'm peering oot ower the edge of a trench surrounded by the smouldering ruins o' whit wis wance the Glesca Patter posting area. Ah'm werrin mah tin hat an khaki gear. Mah Woodbines are in mah poackit alang wae mah wee boax ah Lucifers, an ah'm reddy tae go ower the tap. That wee squidgy blob thing at the tap eh the page is keepin its 'i' oan meh though, a bit lik thoan eye in 'The Lord ae the Rings'.

Right, here ah go, ah jist hope ah dont get broat doon in a hail of asterisks, padloacks an wee squidgy hings wae eyes in the middle!

Ower the tap then. Let's go fur it!


The Patter : Then thurs G

someone who is cocky or full of themselves
"See hur! She's pure dead gallus hur!" "See her! She is a cheeky bitch!"
Sometimes used in conjunction with the word besom (pronounced by us Garngadies as 'bizzom'). The Scottish TV presenter and writer Muriel Gray who's production company was/is called 'Gallus Besom' was once described as being a 'lively lass'. She retorted by saying "Every Scot knows that a gallus besom is a cheeky b***h!" *

* If any asterisks appear in this post - they're not mine!
...Yep! There they are! Protecting the faint, and pure of heart.

The G is pronouned as in Get.
"He's oan eez gemme." "He is playing well (at darts, football etc.)"
"She's oan the gemme." "She is working in Blythswood Square"

Uh! Oh! The squidgy eye's lookin at meh!

"He's oot the gemme."
"He is 'non compus mentis', usually as a result of C2H5OH! (Alcohol)
 (Latin and Chemistry, both in the same sentence - not too bad!)

"Whit's the gemme?" "What is wrong? or What is happening?"
"Ah'ts the gemme!" "Well done!"

going to
"Gauny geeza bit eh yer pizza?" "Please may I have a slice of your pizza?"
"Naw away an buy yer ain!" "No! Away and buy your own!"

Of course, there's the famous "Gauny no dae ah't!" "Please stop doing that!"

give me

"Shut yer geggie!" "Please stop talking!"

obscure Glasgow football team
[my son better not hear me say that!]

an undesirable person or rogue
"That wee get next door hiz jist peed up against the wa!" "That horrid little brat from next door has just demonstrated a lamentable lack of toilet training!"

any fizzy drink
Ask for a bottle of ginger anywhere else in the world and you'd expect to be presented with ginger beer or ginger ale, or something 'gingery'. But no in Glesca!
Be warned all visitors. Ginger in Glasgow means anything in a bottle that fizzies (unless it's domestos - then again there are some...!)
"Geeza boatle a ginger." "Give me a bottle of fizzy drink."
"Whit kind?" "Which variety?"
"Irn Bru." "Our other 'National Drink'."

stupid, useless
"An dae ye know whit the glaikit sod thoat?" "Do you know what this foolish person thought?"
"Naw, but ah hink yer gauny tell meh." "No! But I presume that you will tell me."
"Eh thoat that when eh asked fur a boatle a ginger, that's whit wid be in the boatle!" "He thought that, if you asked for a bottle of 'ginger', that's what would be in the bottle!"
"Yer kiddin?" "You must be joking?"
"Naw ah'm no kiddin!" "No! I am not kidding!"
"Wiz eh fae Dundee like?" "Did he come from Dundee?"
"Ah hink eh wiz fae Mars!" "I reckon he must have come from Mars!"
"How? Dae Martians drink ginger?" "Why? Do Martians drink carbonated beverages?"
"Eh? You're as glaikit as him!" "Heavens. You are as stupid as he is!"


cry, complain
When a couple of kids are arguing or crying together it is sometimes said that they're having a "greetin match" "mutual crying session".

"Whit urr ye greetin aboot?" "What are you crying about?"
"Ah drapped mah ginger." "I dropped my bottle of carbonated beverage."

This reminds me of the Scottish Comedian Rikki Fulton (best known for Glasgow's Supercop character), who sadly left us last week. As one who can remember 'Francie and Josie' away back in 19.... [where's the censorship when ye really need it?].
My fondest memory of him was his potrayal of a Glasgow down and out on a TV advert for an off sales, [Agnews - now long gone so ah surely cannae be accused of advertisin!] bemoamin the long series of misfortunes in his life. He tells us at the end of his lengthy speel that he managed to get a nice bottle of whisky from the shop at a very good knock down price but, and he's in tears by this time, as he left the shop "It fell oot mah poakit an smashed oan the pavement!"
The camera pulls back and reveals him standing, greetin, outside the shop doorway with a tray loaded with heather. Still greetin, he shouts "Heather! Lucky white heather, buy yer lucky white heather..."
Maybe you had see it for yourself but it had me in stitches every time it was on.

Orra best Rikki.

An orraverybest to all those who've supported me. See yeez aw next week if the 'eye' disnae get me.


Seeya ammorra

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Original postings on Scotlands People Discussion Group © 2003, 2004 Bob Wilson
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