My God ah thought as I got near the hoose ad been offered by the coonsil at India Street, whit kin ah dae with an overgrown fitba pitch fur a gerdin, oan ma own wae three wee wean, ah hoped that the gerdin wiz the worst part but naw, the close wiz a nightmare, wae baw marks aw over the place, ah felt ah wiz in the Ghost Train doon the Green at the Carni. it wiz so daurk and dirty.. ma heart sank , further than it hid in years, ah near burst intae tears, but efter suffering a hoose overun wae mice and the rest of the close empty in Brigton ah had to take the offer... I shoved the key in the unvarnished door. and tried tae gain ma composure, opening it slowly, some envelopes moved alang the floor as I shoved it open, kin yer heart sink twice in wan day, mines did, the lobby wiz painted jobby broon doors, wae a corporation green roon the sides , and jist to sicken me more the wawpaper wiz purple wae gold medallions on it. I kid ye not. bare floorboards aw stoor.. as I stumbled ower the mound of mail and walked up the lobby ah keeked in the so called "living room" things if yekin believe it noo were getting even worse. the "decor wiz four waws wae three different waepapers. in greens and fawn.and a tiled fireplace wae some tiles missing , and the family before hid the cheek to have stuck wee glittery mirror tiles at two sides under the brace as if it wiz settin it aff a treat. ...ah turned slowly roon the room trying tae take it aw in and saw two big cables hinging oot the waw where the family whos flitted hid yanked the wall lights oot their sockets leaving the wires dangling , ....surely it couldnae get any worse, but aye it did. the back windaes hid aw been panned in and hid been widded up by the coonsil, so it wiz aw daurk and menacing , and theyd even wheeched the light bulbs so couldnae see whit ah wiz dain... Next thing ah hears a weans voice and a rattle oan the letter box,,,, "Mrs dae ye need a haun" ah hurried doon the lobby and looked intae the faces o two of the poorest lookin weans ad seen in years, wan hid a red nose wae the cauld and sannies wae nae toes in , the wee boy hid a jumper aw washed oot riding up his back, "Ur you the new wummin thats gonny live in there Mrs" ma heart sand once again.... "Aye son, this is ma hoose" ah answered,, The weans didnae look the full shilling wae their mooths hinging open then the maw appeared oot the door opposite, noo my worst fears would come to fruition, she was bogging wearing a mini dress , hid a stutter, and aw ah could see was the manky hoose behind her, "Hello am Betty " she said, "wid ye like tae come in fur a cuppa tea" I stuttered harder than her thinking o walking in her sticky carpet runner in her hall and the guff wafting fae the entrance.... "Naw ,thanks very much all manage ah said, "Oh wait and all come in and gie ye a haun" said Betty... "naw naw mrs yer fine and ah tried to shut the door over, ah mind in the backgrun ah could hear fireworks , squibs and bangers goin aff, and it wiznae in ma heid, this wiz Garthamlock and it wiz Guy Fawkes night, ah wiz wishing theyd stick me up in tap of the bonnie ah wiz so let doon and depressed, Where wid ah start and how, there wiz so much tae dae and nae money tae dae it. Door rattles again, same wee boy wae washed oot jumper, "Mrs dae ye want anything oot the shoaps and in the same breath, hiv ye any wee boys?" ah looked at the wean partly pity partly wishing hed disappear so ah could sit and greet oan the flerr... "Aye son ave goat two wee boys " ah said trying to be pleasant to the wean.... "kin ah come in and play wae them?"....."Naw son " I said "their jist wee boys , too wee fur you to play wae" but in ma heart wiz thinking , oh whit hiv ah goat intae here..... ah few days later ah moved in , still wae widden windaes at the back.as the coonsil said they widnae fix them until ad moved in. so there wiz me nae carpets doon, hoose a tip and three weans left in this strange, and ah use the word "strange" loosely tae whitever kind of life ah could put up wae....Ten times ah day ah hid this family of five chapping ma door, asking if they could come in or did ah want messages, ah thote ad went aff ma heid and ended up in Gartcosh Hospital insteed o Garthamlock...The big close wiz the bane of my life, how tae make this look clean, ah goat a boax o brillos and hot water and started the mammoth task of trying tae get the baw marks aff, aw the time being surrounded by the Adams family who gawked and spoke tae me while am up ladders. naw it wiznae working but luckily ah hid pale lemon emulsion in the hoose, and thote, will ah, or will ah get inte bother fae the corporation fur painting it, aw tae hell, oot came the paint and a big brush, ah goat up the ladders and got tore in starting wae the roof, whit a joab that wiz, the weans fae next door were aw dappled yella spots wae ma painting prowess even at my insistance that they bugger off oot ma road. Two hours later, it wiz done, ah came doon the ladders tae admire ma materpiece, aye ah thote ,nice and fresh, it reminded me o Redan st clinic fur a minute as ah stood in ma doorway lookin oot at ma ray of sunshine , filling a big mop pail ah went back oot tae scrub the remains of aw ma drips and hid the close looking lovely and smelling o Dettol, exhausted ah fell intae bed wae the weans and got up feeling chirpy next morning, "Aye c mon! I muttered oot loud to maself "yer getting there hen" and thought ah wiz winning, ah goat the three weans washed, as hid nae hoat water fur a bath, and opened the door tae take them roon the shoaps fur corn flakes, the vision that met me wiz undescribable, the Adams family hid been oot efter aw ma work the night before and pawed wae their wee manky mitts aw ower ma waws then like fingerpainting hid made designs aw over the close. the wummin up the next close said when she heard me she thote ah wiz a madwummin, ah canny say the words here but they wurnae nice. ma weans were lookin at me and wonderin tae aboot ma sanity... Ah banged oan Bettys door, she came wae her herr staunin jist oot a drunk sleep. "aye whit dae ye want" she said aw slurry,,,, "Whit dae ah want, look at whit yer weans hiv done" she looked oot at the close but didnae seem to notice,,, "aw right mrs all kill them fur this" but she still looked as if she didnae see the carnage they hid caused.... A went back in the hoose and gret ma eyes oot, whit chance hiv a goat wea this wan next door. The worst of it aw wiz that the wans up the sterr wurnae any better, aw drunk parties and fighting. and they aw went in each others hooses. Next thing the door goes, and theres betty wae a dirty mop and a weans bath full of water, "am sending the weans tae clean it fur ye....."NAW ah roared jist leave it ,please jist leave it. all sort it masel,,, things never goat better though , ah suffered them fur two years then wan day my life turned aroon, ,, Betty announced they were leaving and moving tae Easterhoose, ah wiz ower the moon, and even offered tae help wae her flitting, ..... this was the terr of the year, the flitting....Her man worked fur "Demco" as it tells a demolishing company with big open end tipper style trucks ,,, next thing three o them drive up tae the close, "Betty who wiz man mad runs oot in her aff white mini dress tae greet her mans workmates, ah keeked oot the close tae see whit wiz happenin, next thing the men come up the close and go intae the squalor that wiz her hoose, coming oot wae beds ye widnae lie a dug oan they were so dirty, Ah looked oot in disbelief, "Whits happenin Betty, ur they taking yer auld beds tae the coupe?! "naw" she says "ITS MA FLITTING" ah hid tae run in tae the hoose and tell ma maw ah wiz laughing that hard, ..the place wiz turned oot ,the three beds went on the top of the rubbish oan the Demco trucks wae some other bits and pieces and aff they went heading fur Easterhoose. Next thing she comes tae ma door wae two of the weans, aw hauding black poats no even in poly bags, tae say their goodbyes, AS much as ah felt fur the weans, ah wiz ower the moon tae see the back o them and said cheerio and hope they like their new hoose...... that night ah goat energy fae naewhere, thote to maself right am gonna get the close looking lovely as anyone coming tae view that pit will do a runner if they see the state of the place, so that night oot a went , washed doon aw the waws, scrubbed the close and hid it smelling lovely , waited till it dried then painted doon the sides wae cream lines, it wiz the nicest ad ever seen it but it wiz a damp night and ah worried aboot it drying fur the morning.... next day ah took the weans oot fur a a walk looking back at how lovely ma close wiz, and returned an hour later. What befell me wasnt for the fainthearted, the family fae hell hid come back to viisit a family up the sterrs frome me and hid danced aw ower ma cream borders leaving fitmarks aw ower the place, ....to say ah screamed wid be in understatement. ah wiz like a looney.... shouting for her to come doon and see whit they hid done, I wiz like a Banshee and ashamed of masel later, but ad too that much fae this morornic family, ah never saw them again, and thank the Lord for that, things ah thote wid improve,, did in the cleanliness stakes but ah goat another mob in, in some ways even worse than the Adams Family