Preamble ...
... postamble?

The Match

B'noo, aw th folk oot there are either takin bets on a hit person (PC concessionary rate) wi a fair isle cardy an a big shooter loaded wi lupara (wolf shot) turnin up at mah door, or they've nipped oot fur a tin o flee spray tae deal wi that high pitched whinin that seems tae come fae this site.

So while ah've got th chance, ah'll tell yis aw aboot th Match.

Furst, a wee bit o perspective. An if ye haven' read aboot The Coh-mittee, nip back an read it noo. Ah'll jist sit here an watch th front door fur a bit…. Richt. Ye're back. Whaur were we? Ah remember ...

Th thing aboot boolin clubs, an Coh-mittees is this. Jist think aboot big frogs in wee ponds. If', th pond gets too big, then th frogs start tae look gey insignificant. It's hard tae mak a big splash if th place is fu tae th gun'les wi cardigan wearin, blue-rinsed frog queens.
So, th wey it goes is this. Ootside matches is tae be discouraged. A few local matches wi th Wemyss or Balgonie is fine, playin th West o Fife is a bit dubious, an onnything tae dae wi th West o Scotland is encouragin barbarism on th borders o civilized society! Trouble is, th Coal Board covers th hale o Scotland, an if'n yer man worked at th pit, ye're entitled tae enter. An wee Babby Grieg had entered. This had th makins o a bad day!

Wee Babby had beaten th local opposition. Methilhill, th Wemyss, th CISWO fae Glenrothes, an wis in line tae tak on th best fae th West - Cissie Murray fae Cowdenbeath Miner's Welfare. An it wis tae be focht at Innerleven bools club. Th winner w'd be off tae Hamilton tae settle accounts fur th hale country.

Panic! Marks an Sparks were houndit fae Dundee tae Edinburry, fur new cardies an skirts. Size eicht feet were stuffed intae size fower boolin shin. Appearances were awthing! An th araldite lipstick wis in big demand, cause frozen smiles were gaun tae be tested. Bigtime!

First thing wis orders fae Big Mary Hennan. Innerleven h'd tae win th supportin matches at aw cost. There w'd be nae whitewash in th outhouse. Special tactics were ca'd fur. Nae mercy!
An Jeannie Cook wis tae be kept awa fae th tea makin! Awboddy still talked aboot th time she stewed th tea at th Coop Insurance pairs final, an th heid o Scoonie bools wis able tae leave th cup undrunk. No on Bog Mary's watch, it w'dnae. Th tea'll get drunk and th biled ham sandwiches would be eaten, wi a smile. Or else…

Big Mary an Ina Wilson w'd dae th pairs, cause folk watched that. Th fowers didnae matter aw that much cause eicht folk on th green looked like th front windae o Barrons doon Leven, an naeboddy c'd figure oot wha's bool wis nearest.

Th cloons an ither supportin acts, they were done b' twa o'clock an on went Big Mary an Ina against th pair fae Cowdenbeath.
It wis like lookin in a mirror! Mary (Innerleven) looked like she'd been separated at birth fae Mary (Cowdenbeath). Ina played her first shot b' accidentally drapping her bool on th fit o th ither wife fae Cowdenbeath.
The match wis like th charge o th Light Brigade. Th minute it looked like Cowdenbeath was gaun tae get mair than wan o theirs near th jack, Big Mary w'd send up wan o her Balaclava cannon balls. Ye c'd hear th jack scream as it rocketed oot o play, an intae th ditch. Ina played a mair devious game. She moved that mat like it wis Ali Baba's magic carpet. Up an doon, changein th lengths, till even th club chairman wis startin tae cough wi embarrassment. Ina jist coughed when th ither player took her shot.
Big Mary's drivin, an Ina's 'go fur th player, no th ba!' tactics peyed aff. They took th last end wi five shots, an th Cowdenbeath pair took themselves aff tae th bar tae strengthen th tea an sandwiches.

Then come th Match. Cissie Murray wis a big woman, an ye c'd see that muscle wis on her side. An she h'dnae got tae th West o Fife final withoot kennin hoo tae draw a bool up tae th jack. But Babby kent hoo tae play bools, an this wis singles. It wis up tae th player, an nae excuses.

Up th green they went, an somethin in th air made folk stop talkin, an start watchin. Haunds were shook. Th umpire moved oot o th arena. An th Match wis on.

Cissie started aff, an she played th long jack. It wis gaun tae be an endurance match. Babby matched her bool fur bool, an efter th first end, it took a measure tae pit Cissie wan up. Th furst few ends were like that. Wan fur Babby. Wan fur Cissie. Turn aboot, an naeboddy movin aheid. Till th fourteenth end. An it happened. Babby's bool wis smartly chapped oot by Cissie's, and she wis lookin at loosin oot by twa. Babby pit up a guid bool, but it jist didnae draw in enough an Cissie h'd a bool left. Dae turn doon a chance. It wis a beauty. Th luck that h'd slipped by Babby took Cissie's bool up tae th jack, an Cissie wis three up. Th next end went tae Cowdenbeath, an pit anither twa in Cissie's pocket. Five doon, an well through th match. Th wee looks o sympathy were goin oot tae Babby, an th smart money wis goin tae Cowdenbeath. An then anither wan. Maybe Hamilton next year.
They were furgettin aboot Babby. She wis th only wan that didnae lose th place. Back she focht. 8-13. 9-13. 10-13. 11.13. Inch b' inch. Determination an boolsmanship. Th score crept back. 12-13. 13-13. Cissie watched th lead melt awa. Time tae turn up th gas! 13-14. 14-14. Ding dong. Th atmosphere was getting sae thick, th greenkeeper c'd've yaised it tae re-turf th green. Takins at th bar drapped tae nuthin, as dedicated drinkers furgot th passion o a lifetime, an watched th match. Even th barman came oot tae see, an he h'dnae seen daylight since he took his youngest tae th hospital wi croup, back in 1956.
Naeboddy got mair than wan aheid, an soon it wis at 20-20. Th next end wis gaun tae be th last. Or so they aw thocht. By th third bool, Babby wis wan doon. She walked up th green, ta'en a look, then walked back. Nae hurry. Jist a quiet strool on a summers day. She played th perfect bool. It rolled up th richt haund side, an drew th jack up tae wan o her back bools. Babby wis twa up, but wan wis enough. Whit could Cissie dae?

She went fur it. A drive richt up th middle, an th jack wis skited aff intae th ditch. Burnt end! Aw tae play fur. Th audience remembered tae get a quick breath in afore they conked oot wi asphyxia.

Th next end wis like an action replay. Babby's last bool trailed th jack oot o th pack, an th umpire pit th chalk mark on her bool tae show it wis a toucher. Cissie come up fur a look, then went back fur her last bool. Done it wance, dae it again.

Up came her bool. It went fur Babby's bool like a falcon efter a cushie doo. Crack! Aff went baith th bools intae th ditch. Th jack trickled up tae th ditch… But it didnae go in! Babby's bool wis a toucher, an it coonted! Wan tae Babby!

Whit a match. It took ages tae get awboddy's heart rate back tae normal, an th bar soon made up it's takins. Cissie wis a guid ane, an she told Babby tae play that wey in Hamilton an they'll aw be prood.

Big Mary tried tae get back tae centre stage, an muttered aboot hoo she didnae ken if th club w'd cover th expenses o goin tae Hamilton, but th club chairman come across an settled th matter.

"Guid game, Babby. Ah think we'll hire a coach!"