Preamble ...
... postamble?

Th Coh-mittee

There's nae shortage o Scottish history tae ploogh through. Books on Wallace an Bruce, th Hieland Clearances, Rob Roy an aw th rest o them. Industrial Scotland - th Pits an th shipbuildin. Wars an mair wars - tak yer pick!
There are Scots fae aw th nations o th Earth. Polish Scots that focht in th last big wan an Tally faimlies that set up th chip shops that Scotland loves (an fancy nutritionists hate!) an made th ice cream cone pairt o oor heritage.
Heroes, heroines an famous dugs. There's a story telt fur them aw.

Cept wan…

Th Coh-mittee!

There's a darker side o Scotland's past. A secret that's never been in print. An if'n they fund oot aboot this, then'll no be walkin wi'oot sticks…

Mind you, naeboddy's been here fur a while, so's here's ma chance…

Furget yer Mafia! They dae even come close. Cosa Nostra? Mair like Causa want tae. Whit ah'm talkin aboot is way, way worse than a bunch o' Corsicans runnin roond in wooly jaikets. Ah'm talkin aboot th wans in Fair Isle cardigans.

Aw through Scotland, ye'll fund them. Be it th boolin club or th shop flair union, they'll be there! Ye'll even fund them in parliament, Scots or English - it maks nae diffrence. It's Th Coh-mittee whit runs th place!

Ah mind as a bairn, runnin roond wi th erse oot o mah breeks. Naeboddy peys onny mind tae a bairn. But ah wis a bairn wi a guid pair o lugs on mah heid, an though it didnae mean onnything at th time, ah c'n think back tae whit ah heard, an no, wi aw mah years ahent me, ah c'n pit aw th facts th'gether, an tell ye the truth.

Ye'll hae tae forgive me fur wan thing. Ah h'd tae change th names. No tae protect th innocent (there are nae innocents in this story), but if ah wis tae let slip a real name…
Well, it is an ancestor tracing site, an if Th Coh-mittee wis tae track me doon, well, there'd be nae stoppin them.

Let's jist say it wis th Women's sub-committee o InnerLeven Boolin Club. On th face o it, th men ran th club, did th finances, an organised th tournaments. Th wimmen were jist there tae organise th teas when anither club wis playin there, an, of coorse, ye needed wimmen tae look nice at th club dance when th cups were haundit oot.
No sae much fur th wimmen, ye say. An on th face o it, ye'd be richt. But th wimmen were allowed (try stop them!) tae play durin th week, an hae their ain competitions, so naeboddy w'd mind if they set up their ain sub-committee t' organise things.
An if onnybody wis tae object, well, auld Jeek Tamson wis fund floatin face doon under th Bawbee Brig wi his boolin shin on, an a pair o Henselite bools in his wee bag. Naeboddy connected it wi th Women's sub-committee. Or as it should've been cried.

Th Coh-mittee!

Th wan that run things then. That wis Big Mary Hennan. No onnyboddy tae slight. She didnae ask fur respect, she jist took it that if ye were alive, ye gave up respect tae her, an if ye didnae, well, it jist naturally foll'd. Jist mind Jeek fur a minute!
She wisnae big on brain. Didnae need it. She could mak ye think if she wanted tae. She wis a'where. Fingers in pies? Supplied free fae th local butchers, an she got a deposit back when th assiette wis returned. Best cuts tae - nae gristle!
H'd an opinion on awthing! Sometimes even a guid opinion. Cept on men. She h'd a man cause th club rules said that only men could be full members, though ah think that wisnae quite hoo she phrased it.

Some o Th Coh-mittee h'd mair pu' than ithers, but th least o them wis somethin tae fear. Th purpose o Th Coh-mittee wis tae exist. Ye could be democratically elected tae th Woman'' sub-committee (a scapegoat tied up nearby wis ayeways haundy), but ye'd h've tae be in th inner circle afore ye were on Th Coh-mittee!

Ye're probably wunderin why th name wis pronounced as it is. Th Coh-mittee. It's like this. Coh-mittee members were ayeways authorities on th sayin o Scot's English in polite society (that's them fae ither branches o Th Coh-mittee). When ye're dae'in th club teas, etiquette wis important. If ye were indisposed due to some imbalance of th body's humours, then ye declared "I think I'm coming doon with a touch of the Boil." Only some coorse strumpet w'd yaise th word "bile". Pan loaf an lettuce sannies were currency. An biled ham. Compulsory on a proper piece. Pittin jam or margarine on wis social suicide! So it wis never "on th committee", it wis "a member of Th Coh-mittee".

Wan o Mary's leftenants wis Mrs. Jeffrey. Ah don't think her parents gied her a first name. It wis ayeways Mrs. Jeffrey.
She could smell a conspiracy anywhere. Anytime. If th wey things were done didnae suit her, then it wis shair tae be th result o some dark plottin. Things went wrang cause th committee (men's) were tryin tae pit th wimmen doon. Which translated intae men (in general) were conspirin tae keep wimmen in their place. Seein as th wimmen thocht they ran th place, ah fail tae see where th problem wis!

Wi Mrs. Jeffrey, it wis the cooncil, th government, th politicians an Barrie Street clinic whit caused aw th grief in th world. (When th sma'pox wis in Methilhill, ye h'd tae go tae th Barrie Street clinic tae ask hoo yer relatives were daein. Some men w'd rather go intae quarantine wi sma'pox then hing aroond th boolin club wi Mrs. Jeffrey!)

Th brains o Th Coh-mittee wis Ina Wilson. When fluster, bluster an doon-richt threats couldnae get th desired result, Ina could be relied on tae get a result. Ah never thocht that she wis a true member o th inner circle. She wis "democratically" elected tae th sub-committee no long afore th big scandal wi th social club funds bein short, but somehow, wan o Big Mary's clique h'd tae move sudden tae th Wemyss, an Ina wis in. Ina an Mary ayewis smiled at each ither, but walkin atween them wis like walkin along th live rail on th undergroond. Ye could feel th electric crackle, an ye widnae want tae put a fit wrang.

Ye'll be sayin that this is jist a wee story aboot a boolin club, but jist haud on a wee bit longer. Th Coh-mittee is still aroond. It has put it's finger on th arteries o life, an if it disnae like th pulse, then it disnae hesitate tae press doon an cut aff th flow.
It purpose, as ah said, is tae exist. An if it cannae fund wan o thae ecological niches, then it'll empty th nearest convenient wan that's occupied.

So, whenever folk get th'gether. Whenever folk start talkin, an swappin stories an opinions. Th Coh-mittee'll get tae hear aboot it.

THERE'S PROBABLY A BOOLIN CLUB NEAR YOU!